[22 Sep 2008|11:53pm] I am sad and sick and I feel like I'm losing it. My infertility is starting to very quickly drive me insane, as well as the chronic pain. Be it stomach aches or headaches, or both. I find myself almost daily wishing I were dead, then realizing what I'm saying and taking it all back. But that is the way I feel most days. My cat is still the cutest and my baby is still the love of my life. comment

[23 Aug 2008|11:11am] Things are unlike they have ever been before. I am the happiest I can ever remember being. For once in my life I have someone that I know cares about me, and I am not trying to push them away. I feel like things are only going to get better from this point on. I feel so lucky to be with someone who is so thoughtful and considerate of me. It is crazy the way life falls together. comment

[14 Aug 2008|08:07pm] I'm in North Carolina. Today was a great day, and it isn't over yet. Greg and I woke up around 10:30, played some video games, then went swimming and hot tubbing together, just us. It was really relaxing and sitting in the hot tub looking out at the sky and the trees I felt like I was in a dream and would wake up any minute. We went to hooters for lunch. What a great day. read 1 comment

[26 Jul 2008|01:32am] I really hate it when I have a long very busy day at work, then I come home and relax for a few hours, and when I get ready for bed and I think about all I've done that day, and I remember one crucial thing I forgot to do. Right now my new kitten is sleeping on my tummy. And I hear my man walking down the stairs. comment

[21 Jul 2008|07:00am] This morning Greg got up really early for work and I heard him leave without even saying/kissing me goodbye. I ran after him and he seemed sad, then when I came back downstairs I went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and my hair was a bird's nest, and I laughed. This has never happened before. I think deep down if I don't say goodbye to those that I love before I leave them then something bad will happen. comment

something I am proud of [17 Jul 2008|07:46am] On Jul 16, 2008, at 10:20 PM, lauren furton wrote: Kamal, This is Lauren from store 70 again. I am sending this now because felt I could better express myself through an e-mail rather than over the phone. I just wanted to make sure before deciding that resignation is my only option that we have covered all possibilities. From where I stand I see myself as an asset to the company, especially in a time where the district is in need of associates. It doesn't seem to make sense for someone who knows the ins and outs of what should happen every day in the stores to be put out, only to be replaced by someone new who would have to be trained for months to achieve the level of knowledge about procedures that I already possess. For some time before you became our district manager I have been having trouble at store 70, not to mention the rising price of gas making it incredibly hard for me to afford to drive there every day, and this isn't the first time I have requested a transfer to somewhere closer. Just so you have an idea of my situation, I began working for Ritz about 2 years ago. At the time that I was hired I was a junior in high school, working part time with an expendable income and living with my parents. A year ago I moved out into an apartment which happened to be about twice as far away from Marley Station as my parent's house was. Once I stopped going to school full time I needed to make more money to support myself, so I asked to be made full time. Carol Ann told me she couldn't do that for me, so I started looking for work closer to where I lived, which made the most sense anyway. I ended up taking to Mike at store 73 and he offered me the position of Imaging Specialist. When I brought this up to the district manager at the time he ended up refusing the position to me, but offering me full time at 70, which I took at the time because I had no other options. Lately, with the increased responsibility of being full time, and feeling as though I need to do my best at my job at all times, the level of stress in my life has also increased. For a long time I thought I was constantly stressed and unhappy at work because of the nature of the job, always being busy and assisting customers who were sometimes unhappy (the machines at 70 are frequently malfunctioning). It wasn't until recently that I realized that I love what I do, I love helping people and I really enjoy knowing that I made a difference in someone's experience at my store. I realized that the reason that I am always stressed, and thus unhappy wasn't because of what I did while working, but who I was working with. It is because of this fact that I have been desperately trying to get away from the environment that I feel is toxic for me to work in. To get to my point, I just wanted to be sure before deciding to give notice of my departure, that I am an associate that Ritz is actually willing to lose. I understand that I am needed at Waugh Chapel, but my money situation is so tight right now that it is hard for me to even imagine affording to drive back and forth to that store for the remaining time I am with the company, let alone if I were to stay. In my eyes it makes the most sense for me to go to a store where I know I am not only needed, but where it makes the most sense for me. I don't want to give the impression that I am not grateful for your efforts to accommodate me, because that is definitely not the case. It is just hard for me to have twice been offered a job at a store I would love to work, and twice be denied that opportunity because it isn't convenient for Carol or for whomever else. If possible I would appreciate it if you could get back to me either via e-mail or over the phone, that would be a great assistance in my decision making. Thanks again for your time and efforts. Sincerely, Lauren Furton read 2 comment

[14 Jul 2008|12:15am] last words. comment

[07 Jul 2008|12:34pm] I want to be able to say I miss you, or I love you, and have it not be awkward for us. comment

[30 Jun 2008|12:10pm] Things are better. comment

[27 Jun 2008|10:15pm] I can't remember the last time I felt so alone. read 1 comment

[23 Jun 2008|08:30am] Yesterday things began to seem like they couldn't get any worse. I crashed my car. There wasn't much damage but it's still going to cost me more than I can afford. We fought because of it, and because of everything building up to it, and things almost fell apart. In reality I guess they did. I was lying there next to a man who used to be my significant other, and I couldn't think of the future anymore. When I realized I would be alone again in this apartment, or that I would have to go to work and tell all of my coworkers that yeah, it just didn't work out... I just didn't want to wake up. Things work themselves out though. He fell asleep holding me and the last words I heard were that tomorrow would be a new day. That was also the first thing he said this morning, it's a new day. comment

[21 Jun 2008|10:44pm] It's okay if you're having second thoughts about me. I'm having them about you too. comment

[14 Jun 2008|01:54am] I am slowly giving up. My money troubles have reached a new level, and now I can't even ask for help because I know what my dad will tell me. He will just say to get money from Greg. I can't help but feel bad when he leaves for work in the morning and asks me if I need money for food that day. I've never had anyone offer me that. Tonight wasn't what I expected, or what he expected. I feel like it's my fault for hyping something up so much that ended up being a disappointment to him and to me. I am sitting on my couch now while he lays in bed because I can't stand to lay beside him. I can't let him see me cry anymore. I can't let him know how upset I am on a regular basis just because it is who I am. It's what I do. I push people away. I called my dad today and he didn't call me back. comment

[30 May 2008|08:16pm] For some reason I've been thinking about the past today. I was thinking and realized that some day I'm going to forget a lot of things. Some day I will look back and I won't remember the house my best friend lived in. I won't remember the wooden steps our the foot long grass in the yard, or the bugs that always tried to follow me inside. I won't remember the sound of the frogs in the pool. I won't remember the tiny room with blue walls that I spent so many hours caged inside. There are so many details I struggle to remember now and it hasn't even been a year. I don't know why I'm writing this now. Maybe some day it will be used to jog my memory. comment

[26 May 2008|10:05am] Things are so good right now it is always freaking me out. Greg met my family last night and it went well. I've never been so happy as a result of spending time with one person. We went grocery shopping so there will be food when he comes over, and I can't remember a time I had this much food in this apartment. So much of me has changed for the better as a result of being with him. My self-confidence is like it hasn't been in years, and instead of sleeping until 5 p.m. every day I wake up around 9-10 a.m. and start my day when he leaves for work. It's also cool to be with someone who isn't freaked out by conversations about the future, for once. read 1 comment

[14 May 2008|01:10pm] I'm tan. I'm in Greg's bed. I'm watching Oz. All is right with the world. read 3 comment

[03 May 2008|12:48am] I'm so fucking drained. comment

[29 Apr 2008|03:44pm] It's really weird to think that I honestly believed that I would be single until I was 20 at least. It's strange how things work out. When I first met him 2 years ago I wouldn't have imagined we'd end up together, and even if I had known I never would have guessed how happy he would make me. It's a feeling I've never felt as a result of a relationship. With him I receive a level of kindness I have never received, and there is a level of intimacy I have never experienced. Deep down I worry that things won't work out, because it is in my nature to be paranoid, but I am doing very well with it. For now I will enjoy falling asleep and waking with his arms around me, and when that doesn't happen I will look forward to the first text message he sends me every morning. read 2 comment

[25 Apr 2008|02:33am] I have a boyfriend. He treats me like treasure. Stop calling me you fucking psycho bitch. read 4 comment

[13 Apr 2008|02:36am] I don't know what to do. I'm so glad to have him as my best friend otherwise I'd be far more lost than I am currently. Now I just need an unbiased female preferably straight opinion.. where on earth would I find one of those... read 3 comment

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